


time's reality

by sourcedecay



Category: Downton Abbey
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-15
Updated: 2020-04-15
Packaged: 2021-02-26 17:51:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,319
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23671780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sourcedecay/pseuds/sourcedecay
Summary: Thomas visits Richard in London.
Relationships: Thomas Barrow/Richard Ellis
Comments: 7
Kudos: 44





	time's reality

He manages to get two consecutive days off. Last week of May. Of course, he hasn’t taken much time off at all, these past years (excluding last July), but still, two days in a row as butler.

“Are you wanting to go away, Barrow?”, his Lordship had inquired when he first brought it up, back in January.

A meek agreement, something about an clock exhibition in London and, of course, he’s never requested time off at Christmas, or New Year’s, or hardly ever except the occasional half-day. The time off is granted and the dates are confirmed somewhere around mid-February and, nerves churning, Thomas writes to Richard - Mr Ellis - the very same evening. He makes up an urgent errand in the village and walks down to post it after breakfast.

If it doesn’t work out - if he’s to spend two days in London alone - at least the weather might be nice. Still, he is hoping.

——

They have been keeping a frequent and enthusiastic correspondence since the day of Richard’s departure: despite not as frequent as Thomas would have liked (there are appearances to be kept up and receiving daily letters from the same man does not serve in that favour) they must have written more than a hundred letters between them. Still, that is no guarantee that Richard is feeling whatever Thomas is: the light and fluttery sensation in his chest when he reads another letter or finishes his own with “yours affectionate,” or thinks about the kiss in his office, the night they spent together, seeing him again.

And then he receives Richard’s reply and his stomach does that thing again because _it’s going to happen he is going to see him again._ Most likely. 

——

At first it feels as if time stands still and his time off is far away, but as days pass the time of the visit draws nearer and Thomas starts getting more and more nervous. He wants to write Richard; ask him what he’s feeling and thinking and expecting, but that would not be very _circumspect_ and it would also make him feel ridiculous and possibly as inexperienced as he fears he might be, these days.

He’s been avoiding taking his half days since they granted him the time off - by now he well and truly knows how precarious his position is. Still, the week before he is off he spares a few hours, goes in to Ripon and gets his hair properly cut. It doesn’t make him feel less nervous, but he’s always felt better hiding behind a respectable facade.

Mr Talbot is off to look at some cars again, which always unravels the house a bit, and leaves Thomas with no time to prepare for the day in question until it suddenly arrives. He takes the earliest train from Downton and wears his nicest suit. Richard is meeting him in London.

——

At the train station, Richard offers his hand and Thomas takes hold of it, a little too hard, a little too long. They greet each other.

“Mr Barrow,”

“Mr Ellis,”

And he hopes Richard won’t notice that his hand is shaking under his gloves because behind that smile of his Richard just looks calm, a mate greeting an old mate, perhaps an old comrade; not betraying any underlying feelings at all.

There’s a hotel, of course: Richard sent him a number and he called to enquire from the phone in his office. The owner is someone Richard is acquainted with (how, he wonders but can’t dwell, it’s none of his business for one and jealousy doesn’t suit him), a room for two for one night only. First time they’ll see each other in almost a year and a part of him feels as if this is the last chance he is ever going to have, to have something. If (when, he can’t help but think) it doesn’t work out, he will just have to be resigned to his lonely fate. He is not young anymore.

The hotel is located quite far from the city centre, a part of London Thomas has never seen before. Richard seems familiar enough with it though, as he escorts them off the underground and left here, right there, across streets and eventually to a stone building with a discreet sign. Easy enough to miss if you don’t know it’s there. 

The room itself is nice enough, clean and tidy with two beds, both larger than the one he’s slept on for most of his adult life. They both put down their bags and then the door is locked and they’re facing each other and Richard touches his arm and smiles and then they’re kissing for the first time since July.

———

They have to leave the room eventually - there are appearances to be kept up and neither of them has had lunch - but they do so together and Thomas could never complain about that. 

While Thomas wishes they could go out properly, maybe have their meal at a nicer hotel like Anna and Bates did, the pub they do end up in is fairly clean and not very rowdy even for the early hour. In addition to that, the in-betweenness of lunch and dinner time means that it is very much possible to have a conversation over their meals. Of course, nothing as true and personal as they did in York and really nothing they haven’t covered in their letters, but since Richard is looking at him and he is looking at Richard, Thomas finds that he’s almost unbothered by it.

There’s not a lot of shops in the area and the existing ones are all closed or closing as they leave the pub. Still, it’s too early for them to go back to the hotel so instead they walk around in the neighbourhood until they find a park to stroll through, keeping on talking. The weather is nice.

—-- 

Nighttime finds them curled up together in one of the beds (there’s a table in between them). Thomas with his head on Richard’s chest. The window slightly open, the night air keeping the room chilly. He is happy, he is content, he is in love. Despite the fears that it’s too soon, that it’s not reciprocated, he says so, heart pounding, head dizzy. Richard kisses his head.

“I love you too,” he says.

—--

They have breakfast at the hotel before checking out and going in to the more central parts of London. They’re at the clock exhibition at ten - opening hour. Although there are some interesting antique clocks, Thomas can’t admit to paying them as much attention as he might have under different circumstances. Richard, bless him, seems to feign most of his interest in the actual clocks, but the fact that he does makes Thomas’s heart swell.

It’s as if time passes twenty times faster when they’re together. All of a sudden their time is up and they have to hurry; getting fish and chips and eating them on their way to the train station. As lovely as it had been, Thomas has to leave if he’s to be in York in time for his change. The feeling of bitter jealousy that’s been with him for most of his life sits in his chest again. Because he has to leave, because he can’t kiss him goodbye, because they can’t even hug.

The feeling subsides a bit when Richard smiles at him and squeezes his hand before they part. He has this, at least, he still has him. And he loves him. They love each other.

—--

The minute he’s back, it’s as if he was never gone. It’s as if time stands still when he’s at Downton.

Then he gets a postcard in an envelope two days after his return. The Big Ben, maybe the most famous clock in England. 

“Next time. Love, R.”

And maybe it is worth waiting, and maybe time will pass, until then.

**Author's Note:**

> this is private because it is awful and because my english just keeps deteriorating so i am very sorry about that! also i didn't read through it because i'm jared, 19 so sorry about that too!
> 
> there's also no dialogue because i haven't had a good conversation in months and thus can't write it! 
> 
> at the same time i have lost some of my standards because of the current situation (also why i wrote this in the first place!) so someone might enjoy it or read it at least! and if you don't (enjoy it) please don't say so lol
> 
> comments are very much appreciated but i have become even more socially incomptetent and mightn't reply to them so sorry in advance.
> 
> title is from james baldwin's munich, winter 1973 (i see/ that time's cruel ability/ to make one wait/ is time's reality.)
> 
> i hope everyone and their loved ones are healthy and safe and as alright as possible in these trying times! much love!


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